This is it. I am going to be brutally honest with everyone.
I am a sexual assault survivor. It was not until a couple months ago at Menninger when I could finally say that I was a survivor of sexual assault.
Here are a few things I wish I had been told before this experience.
1. It is not my fault.
I was never told it was my fault, but I was also never told that it wasn't my fault. This is a big one for anyone who suffers from any amount of trauma. However, know that if you are a survivor of sexual assault, it is not your fault. I did not ask for it. I am powerful, strong, and so, so brave for going through this. I am learning to love myself because I deserve to know that I am precious and worthy of love.
2. Coercion is rape.
Going into Menninger, I was under the impression that coercion was just that: coercion. I had no idea it was rape. It wasn't until my doctor on the assessment unit at Menninger said that coercion is the same thing as manipulation. It is rape. I did not give consent, and I certainly did not ask for it to happen to me.
3. Just because I froze, does not mean I did not fight.
In the beginning of this all, I thought that since I froze, it meant that I did not fight. That is wrong, however. My doctor has explained to me that your body will go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. She said it is very common for those who have experienced sexual assault to freeze. In your mind, you were fighting to stay alive. You were still violated. It is important to know that you, that I did nothing wrong.
4. I did not deserve this.
I did not deserve this. Those nights I woke up from countless nightmares at Menninger, I reminded myself as well as my individual therapist down at Menninger, that I did not deserve this. I did not deserve to hate every single bone in my body due to something that was out of my control. I deserve self-love and a life full of beauty.
I will wrap this up because there are still some things in which I am not comfortable talking about and making public. However, I am learning to speak up as a survivor, not as a victim. I am strong, powerful, and courageous. I get to have a voice for those who are too afraid or ashamed to speak up. I will stand up for my past self who was too scared to admit this part of my life to anyone. I will rise above my trauma because life on the other side is so worth it.
