You see, it all started in May.
My heart was aching, breaking, and quite honestly,
I was hopeless, helpless, and powerless.
I did what I needed to do to survive.
I turned to what has always worked in the past.
While not the most effective,
It made me feel safe.
Fast forward a few months into August,
The pain was still there.
However, I didn't feel it,
I didn't feel anything.
I was never happy, sad, angry, surprised;
Just numb.
My soul was an emotionless, black pit.
I was no longer myself, only a shell of the former parts of me.
Blinded and in denial,
I stumbled along in life.
Finally, I crashed,
And I crashed rapidly into rock bottom.
By the end of September, I was in a higher level of care,
The feeling of hopelessness was continuously lingering in the air,
Filling the empty void around me.
I didn't care if I sank or swam.
In November, I was sent to partial hospitalization.
Entering this unknown place,
I was defiant, distant, and detached from any and all parts of my authentic self.
I decided to give it my all,
To give recovery my all.
There were times when I would lie in a ball;
And I would just cry.
I would cry until I couldn't anymore.
The sad part of that is that these were empty, hollow tears.
Shortly thereafter, all parts of my emotions were coming back full swing.
I held on for dear life
For these emotions
Felt like a knife.
They felt like a knife slicing through my core.
That's when I realized,
Healing hurts.
Healing really fucking hurts.
I leaned on support
Probably more than I should.
But I felt seen
Heard
Important
And most significant,
I was feeling like myself again.
November through January,
I had moments of excruciating pain,
However, there was so much that I had began to gain.
I got my smile back,
Not one of those fake smiles you do in pictures for social media.
But a real smile that made my eyes squint.
I laughed a real laugh for the first time in months,
One that shook my whole body
And made my stomach hurt while I gasped for air.
I cried
And cried
And those cries turned into deep, heavy sobs.
But these tears were different,
These tears held so much power, anger, and hurt.
I felt something inside of me begin to grow.
It is an indescribable sensation.
I soon learned that it was self-compassion;
I was feeling empathy and compassion toward all parts of myself:
The broken
The healing
And the hurting.
My inner child was being nurtured
For the first time in her life.
She began to thrive inside and out,
Coming out in playful, silly ways.
She was no longer being criticized or blamed
Because none of what happened to her was her fault.
She began to realize that rapidly,
Her spirit began to learn how to dance in the rain when it stormed.
That inner child is me.
To my younger self,
You are not to blame. You have never been to blame. Your body is not dirty. Your body is doing a great job at keeping you alive during this challenging time. You will go through things no one should never have to go through, and I am so sorry I spent all of this time hurting and punishing you when there was nothing else you could have done in those moments. Little Jordan, you are capable of so many beautiful things in life, and it pains me to know that I treated you this way for the last several years of our lives. It's time to wrap yourself up in that tight hug you always crave from other people because while even the kindest person's hug can lift us up, an embrace from within will always be there. Embrace all parts of you: the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. They all make up who we are today. Today, we may be sassy, defiant at times, and a little spicy towards those we know care about us. However, we are also resilient, brave, strong, beautiful, and so damn courageous. Now, do us a favor and allow this healing process to continue. You...I mean WE deserve it.
With love,
Your current self.