Throughout my recovery journey, I have always been told that recovery is possible. For some odd reason, I always had this preconceived notion that I was the exception. For some unknown justification, recovery wasn't for me. To this day, I don't know if it was just a thing I told myself as an excuse to stay in my disorder, or if I truly believed that.
While recovery has been rocky lately, I still thought I would share some realizations that I have made throughout the last few months. Here goes nothing!
Recovery is not always sunshine and rainbows.
I think one of the main reasons that were holding me back from active recovery was the fear of the unknown. Several mental health professionals and peers had told me that recovery isn't linear, and there will be times that I would just want to give up because living in disorder sounded safer and more comforting than pursuing recovery did. Since February of 2021, I have been doing everything in my power to pursue recovery. There have been slip ups and so many days when I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. However, one of the biggest things I have learned is that the good days in recovery easily outweigh the bad. It may not feel like it at the time, but on my best days, I feel free. It is such a liberating feeling; it's indescribable.
2. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) isn't THAT bad.
For the longest time, I held a grudge against DBT. Being diagnosed with BPD, it always felt like every single therapist I ever had would shove DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST, TIPP, and every other DBT acronym down my throat, but they never taught me how and when to use them effectively. This past November, my therapist went on maternity leave and referred me to someone who is trained in DBT and has worked with people who have BPD diagnoses for most of her career. I rolled my eyes my first session with my DBT therapist because I thought it was useless. I thought all of those skills were stupid and would never help me. Heck, I was so wrong! I use my DBT skills daily. There are times I don't even realize I am using my skills because they are second nature. I have become better at emotionally regulating myself these past two months, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I am so thankful that I have my DBT therapist in my life because without her, I wouldn't be where I am today.
3. Reprocessing trauma doesn't magically make it go away.
My DBT therapist is also certified in EMDR which stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It is typically used with individuals who have experienced trauma. I won't go into my trauma here because there are still some parts that I am not ready to share, but I have done quite a few EMDR sessions with my therapist. I thought that once I reprocessed some of the most traumatic events that I have experienced throughout my life, they would no longer affect me. That is not the case even though that would've been such an easy fix. However, through EMDR, I have been able to find some self-compassion that the things I have gone through are not "small" and that none of them were my fault like I had always believed. Being able to validate yourself and your traumatic experiences is HARD and is something I never thought would be possible. I may always deal with triggers from my trauma, but I am finally able to open up to those I am close to and let them know my boundaries. I know it doesn't sound like much, but to me, it is a huge step forward.
4. It is okay to ask for help.
When I was taken to Bryan West for the first time after my first suicide attempt, I felt weak and ashamed. I thought getting this type of help made me pathetic. Through my stays at the Menninger Clinic and the Laureate Eating Disorders Program, I have come to realize that asking for help is okay. If I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed, I probably wouldn't be here typing this. I was in so much emotional pain, and the thought of living seemed overwhelming and unbearable. Asking for help doesn't make me weak, it makes me strong. Instead of experiencing shame and guilt when I reach out to my support system and therapist currently, I feel empowered and liberated. It has kept me alive which I think is a beautiful thing.
5. The number on the scale says nothing about me as a person.
When I was a young girl, I was always seen as the tall, skinny, awkward one. I was very active as a child from riding horses, running around the farm with my little brother, or playing sports all year round. I also had a very fast metabolism. It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school when I started gaining a noticeable amount of weight. During my sophomore year volleyball season, I hurt my knee and was out the rest of the
season. Due to my knee injury, I couldn't be active like I used to be. I continued to eat the same way I always had, and that is when the weight piled on. By the time I graduated high school, I was struggling with horrible body image and an undiagnosed eating disorder. I took all of the concern that people had about me when I wasn't doing well and turned that into love and desire. Now that I am in a more wise-minded place and am using both my emotion mind and rational mind together, I can see that people don't care about the size of my body. I am the same person I was when I was in a smaller body, and I am still the same person I was when I was in a body larger than the one I am currently living in. My personality traits didn't change as my body changed. I have always been the funny, compassionate, beautiful Jordan. A quote that has helped me tremendously through my recovery journey is, "your body is the least interesting thing about you," and I couldn't agree more!
6. Not everyone I meet is going to permanently stay in my life, and that is okay.
In the past whenever someone, significant or insignificant to me, would walk out of my life, I would spiral. I always thought that everyone needed to like me. A big part of living of with Borderline Personality Disorder is that it comes with an extreme fear of abandonment. To an extent, the average person will have some fear of abandonment, but those with BPD take it to the extreme. For so many years of my life, I would do anything it took if that meant that whoever was distancing themselves from me wouldn't leave. This is where many individuals with BPD get labeled as manipulative when in reality, we are trying our best to salvage the relationship even if it doesn't always look that way. Anytime I had hurt someone in the process of trying to save the relationship, it hurt me because I was not trying to cause them any pain. Now, I am finally okay with people entering and exiting my life because not everyone is going to stay. While that has been a very hard pill for me to swallow, it has helped me become a healthy person to be in a friendship or relationship with. Something that is very silly that keeps me going when I feel the fear of abandonment begin to surface is that if everyone we ever met stayed in our lives, it would very chaotic.
I have had so many more realizations than this in recovery, but these are the few that have really stuck out to me. While recovery is not linear, I am putting my all into it. There will be bad days and slip-ups, but that is what makes the final destination so beautiful and rewarding. Here are a few goals I have for all of you reading this:
If you haven't already, go nourish your body.
Practice self-care (brushing your teeth, taking medication, etc).
Look in the mirror and smile.
You are all so worthy of love and care. Show yourself compassion and grace today and every day because YOU deserve it.
Thanks for reading,
Jordan 💕